Answering Machines
by hazel-jade
Summary: What I think the message on the answering machine of mostly everyone in Harry Potter should sound like. They might get a little OOC. My friend helped me with this one, just because she has good ideas. These are all one shots.
1. Harry Potter

**Disclaimer: I'm only gonna say it once: I will not, nor will I ever, own Harry Potter. And that is the reason why I am here: Fanfiction.**

**Harry Potter**

"Hello, you've reached Harry Potter, unfortunately I'm not here right now.

If you want to tell me that Voldemort is not dead and where he is, please tell me where I should look. I will be looking for him on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Thursdays are my days off.

If you're a deatheather who just wants to tell me that I'm gonna die eventually, please, feel free.

If you're one of my friends, you know where I am."


	2. Severus Snape

**Severus Snape**

"Hello. You've reached Severus Snape. Leave a message and I will see if I feel like calling you back. And if this is Harry Potter: Fuck off!"


	3. Voldemort

(A/N: Yeah... I know he's out of Character, but I couldn't help myself)

**Voldemort**

Hey, you reached Voldemort.

If you're calling to comment on Harry Potter don't worry I'll kill him soon, just have to find him.

If you're one of my death eaters, please remember to bring the cookies and brownies. And don't forget, Saturdays are karaoke night!

And if you're my counselor: I really need to talk to you! Why should you care if I tried to kill you! You're paid to help me!

Have a depressing and morbid day, death to Harry Potter.

Goodbye.


	4. Sirius Black

(A/N: Me and my friend couldn't help ourselves)

**Sirius Black**

Hey, you reached Sirius

For those people who think I should still be in Azkaban: SCREW YOU AND DON'T LEAVE A MESSAGE...

If this is Harry, I'm sorry that I had a relashionship with your father.

*Sirius, what the hell, are you drunk?* Oh... hey Remy Rem ... *click*


	5. Remus Lupin

**Remus**

If this is the SPCA, for the love of merlin, no I'm not nutered and nor will I ever want to be.

If you're calling about Sirius' message. I'm still trying to figure out how to change it but he won't let me near it, damn spray bottle. Why he won't let me change it? I don't know.

And I hope that flea collar is working out for you Snivellous!

Goodbye.


	6. Charlie Weasley

**Charlie**

I'm fine Ma, stop worrying. I admit that this burn looks odd but leave it be!

If it's Hagrid, get it through your head that "Norbert" is a "Norberta" and, no you can't see her with that restraining order in place. I'm still wondering what you did.

See ya.


	7. Sybill Trelawney

**Sybill Trelawney**

Hello,

I'm sorry that I didn't pick up the phone but it's probably because my third eye told me you would call and I saw that you where mad and were about to yell at me.

Leave a message and I will gaze into my crystal ball to tell me if I should call you or if I shouldn't because you are dead by the time that I do.

Have a good day and don't break that plate.


	8. Ron Weasley

(A/N: If you didn't read the second book then this is kind of like a spoiler. Is it the second book? I can't remember)

**Ron Weasley**

"HELLO! CAN ANYONE TELL ME HOW THIS WORK?

*Ron, stop yelling.*

WHERE DID YOU SAY MY VOICE GOES?"


	9. Albus Dumbledore

On the request of BookWorm77071. Hope you like it!

* * *

><p><strong>Albus Dumbledore<strong>

Hi! You've reached Albus!

If this is Cornelius Fudge, please stop sending me owls for advice. My job is just as stressful as yours and because of your owls it's getting even more stressful!

If this is Umbridge, get it through your head! You are never coming back! And if I ever get another owl from you you'll find out why they call me the greatest wizard of the age. It's not pretty!

And last but not least, if this is Severus, don't worry, Voldemort doesn't know that you're the spy for the light! Your safe!

Have a pleasant day and I wish you all the lemon drops in the world!


	10. Luna Lovegood

Hi, you've reached Luna Lovegood.

Leave me your message and I'll try to get back to you before the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks get to you.

Remember, as long as you have a fairy tree in your garden you'll have luck for the rest of your life.

Bye.


	11. Arthur Weasley

**Arthur Weasley**

This is fascinating, Harry, really fascinating!

*Um... Sir? It already started to record*

Really! And you say that my voice would stay there to be heard by other people! Really fascinating!

*Ugh.*

*click*


	12. Hermione Granger

**Hermione Granger**

Hi! You've reached Hermione Granger but unfortunately I'm not here.

*Have you checked the library?*

Harry! Shut up! ... So, just leave a message and I'll get back to you.

*Or you could go to the library! It's faster!*

Ron!

*Beep*


	13. Colin Creevey

**Colin Creevey**

Hey! This is Colin!

If this is Witch Weekley, I'm still trying to get that picture of Harry Potter in the shower and as soon as I get it, I'll send it to you.

If this is someone who wants to be in the Harry Potter fan club, just leave your name and number and I'll call you as soon as I can to tell you when the next meeting is.

If this is Harry Potter, just disregard this and leave a message.

Goodbye.

* * *

><p>(AN: I couldn't help myself! Soooooo, who want's a picture?)


	14. Moaning Myrtle

I hate Writers Block! So, I'm sad to announce, don't expect a lot of updates for any of my story's... Oh, how I hate this!

* * *

><p><strong>Moaning Myrtle<strong>

This is Myrtle. Please, stop all those Moaning jokes.

And if this is Harry Potter, please leave your number. It's been a while since we've seen each other.

See you later.


	15. Harry Potter 2

I couldn't help myself but make a second one for Harry!

* * *

><p>Hi! This is Harry Potter's answering machine. If you're a person in the Harry Potter club, press 1. If you are a new budding Dark Lord, Press 2. If you are the old Dark Lord, Voldemort, Press 3. If you are a man called Severus Snape, please hang up and never call again. And last but not least, if you are a friend; you know where to find me.<p>

*Pressed 1*

Seeing as we all know that the Harry Potter club is not going to leave, I have decided (and because Collin is scary when he threatens someone) that I will be answering all questions that you have for me. Som just leave a question and it will be answered in the Daily Prophet. *beep*

*Pressed 2*

If you are a new Dark Lord (according to you) please leave your Dark Lord name and your phone number so I can contact you. That way we could schedule a grand last battle! If you want to add a taunt or snide remark, it's all good. Last but not least, if you just want a normal fight, just name the time and place and I'll be there about five minutes earlier… So make sure to be on time! *beep*

*Pressed 3*

If this is Voldemort, name a time and place but also add how you came back to life this time! *beep*


End file.
